Snow Days Portland Style for the Newbs

  Hi all. Greetings from frosty ass Portland, Oregon. We are currently encrusted in multiple layers of intricate crystalline structures. Oh.    I mean snow and ice.  It probably won't last much longer though.  It's just not our thing.  Sorry snow, it's not you, it's us. We really lack commitment and apparently so does the snow. It hardly comes around anymore. We only plow 10 percent of our streets.  We barely have the energy to salt or sand. We just need our space man. But it was great while it lasted.
  Lots of folks have moved to Portland in the last few years and we really haven't had a snow/ice "event" in 5 years so I think it's a good time to review snow day etiquette. First and foremost snow day = mental health day for the vast majority of Portlanders.  I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or anything but if you're a "non-essential" worker you really need to stay home.  Look at it as a get out of jail free card. Bonus: almost everyone is aggressively cheerful due to the surprise mental health day and impending fun.
  Rob (the husband) grew up here and wanted me to pass on these helpful hints:

RE: Snow.

Facts:

1) The City of Portland does not salt the roads when it snows.  ( See all the old cars that are still around, love them for their artistic values, or hate them for their lack of gas economy, and the safety features of a brick, they are still around because of the no salt attitude ).

2) The drivers in the City of Portland do not know how to drive in the snow.  This is not strictly true, but we mostly lack these basics: snow tires, snow chains, practice driving in the snow, salt ( see above ).

3) We have hills.  When it snows, all side street hills are reserved for sledding, all major street hills are reserved for people who like to slide their cars into other cars, street signs, and other ( soon to be ) debris. (Okay, the hills are not "officially" reserved. It's just an unwritten rule -Jen)

4) Four wheel drive will not help you stop.  Driving fast just because you have a four wheel drive vehicle may lower your intelligence quotient and increase your damaged vehicle ownership.

Solutions:

1) Go home and have a "snow day".  Get a bottle of scotch on the way by the grocery store ( or, whatever, more beer, but beer can be heavy to carry while wandering around in the pretty snow covered city ).

1a) Go home before the snow starts.

1b) Seriously, get the fuck out of work and go home before everyone else decides to go home and you get stuck on a freeway watching the gas tank slowly empty as you stare at the back of the same car that is artfully cutting back and forth in front of you making no more progress than the other car that slid off into the ditch.  And the pretty snowflakes fall.

2) You may think you can drive in the snow, you may have been able to do that in your home state ( California? ), but we have things here that you did not have there.  We have hills, we have no salt, and we have other drivers that do not know how to drive in the snow, who are now between you and your destination.  They have run out of gas, and are abandoning their cars in the middle of the road / freeway / that hill that you need to have momentum to get up, or, at the bottom of the hill you just started down.

3) Walk.  To the store, to the liquor store, to the bar.  Preferably, go to a bar that has a good view of a freeway on/off ramp.  Or one with the Snow-pocolypse playing on the TV.

4) Keep the streets clear for essential personnel : fire brigades, bartenders & barista's, grocery store workers ( sorry, grocery store RESOURCES/TEAM PLAYERS/OTHER workers but you're our lifeline to beer and cookie making ingredients.  Thank you for your service.), police, the sheriff's secret police, other nebulous government agencies.

5) Once the snow has stopped falling, go sledding and wassailing ( bring the scotch )

 Thanks Rob.  Well said. Very helpful indeed.

 This just in: Rob has an addendum.  Clearly he's on a roll tonight. Here goes:

Re:

Snow in Portland:

And another thing, why do some of you insist on shoveling the show off the sidewalk in front of your house?  If you are trying to prevent injury, it's very counter productive, because, at the end of a snow event/apocalypse/happy fun cute time, there is usually a round of freezing rain, to give everything that was snow covered a nice candy coating of crunchability.  Except your sidewalk, which has become a skating rink for the unwary.

  

  Once again, thanks Rob. Clearly you have a natural, "let the snow be snow, man", shovels be damned, aesthetic.  I like that.  It seems to go with our general Portlandia zeitgeist around the handling of winter weather.  Okay everyone, back to your cookie making, knitting, sledding, drinking, sledding, sleeping, etc..